Thirty Seconds Too Far

Last weekend I was groped by a fat guy in a dance club. Before that, I passed up an airline pilot for a guy who only knows I'm alive once every other month. Neither of them will call. I also stood someone up because I felt like they texted me too many times in a row. His last text read "am i going 2 c u or not?" Pass.

Attention all grown ass men: I am going to let you in on a few secrets here.

1. If you are standing in the middle of a bar sweating so profusely you may as well have just finished a pie eating contest on a tredmill, you are not attractive to women so do not reach out your grimey sausage hands and rub your eau de man all over her silk shirt.

2. Just because we have sex does not mean I'm asking you to go steady, so if a girl is throwing herself at you, play ball. And take your time doing it.

3. If someone doesn't answer a text message that means you probably shouldn't text them twelve more times after that asking why they're not answering their text messages because chances are, u will not c them l8er.

There. That is what I learned last week. Tomorrow I have an actual date. With a man. From the internet. It's byob. You better believe I'll be b-ing my own b.


I could really go for that airline pilot right about now...


-Ginger