Last weekend I was out having drinks with a friend and we decided to stop at a Taco Bell Pizza Hut combo fast food joint before parting ways at the end of the night. It was late on a Friday night, and I was wearing a party dress looking quite hot if I do say so myself.
My friend was waiting up at the counter for his food, and since four inch heels at 3:00 in the morning are practically a death trap I decided to sit and wait at a table. I am sitting there by myself eating my personal pan pizza and mini gangster comes over and warbles something along the lines of 'yo shawty you by yo selllf?' Hmmm yes actually I do get all dressed up to come to the Taco Bell Pizza Hut late at night on a Saturday just to... I don't know hope that a boy who is not old enough to buy me a drink or know that pants are made to cover your butt would ask me out.
Just in case you were wondering where you could pick up a teenage mini G- you're welcome.
Jame-o
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Peekaboo it's a Lesbian!
Here goes my first blog... Ginger and I were out at a bar recently and had made friends with the guys that were sitting next to us. They were pretty cool and quite funny. One of them pointed out a person at the end of the bar with a video camera. We spent about an hour debating whether this person was a man or a woman until we came to the definitive conclusion that it was just an incredibly unattractive woman. I can't give a better description than that because the visual of what happened that night is too horrifying.
We notice that she was not really taping anything with her camera, it was just sitting on the bar. So out of curiosity I decide to lean around the other bar patrons and ask her what she was taping. That was my first mistake. She gives me some story about how she is video taping the band. Yadda yadda her brother plays the guitar, free drinks, you get the gist. She then proceeds to tell me that she would love to interview me about the band for part of her video. I am a little weirded out by this, but don't really think much of it and politely say "eh maybe later". Second mistake.
So time passes, Ginger and our new friends and I go into the back of the bar to play a few rounds of darts. The whiskey is flowing and all is well.
This is where the story gets a little graphic. I headed into the bathroom. Enough said. I was sitting on toilet tinkling and for whatever the reason I looked up, and there was the he-she peeping down on me over the top of the stall! I jumped up doing a two-in-one stand and pull on your pants all at once maneuver, and she says to me "my god you're a tall woman"! The look on my face must have been enough of a statement because she then said "it's OK I liked it". I ran out of the bathroom so fast I didn't even notice if she had the video camera with her.
Needless to say that was possibly the worst ten seconds of my life, and I am now very alert when in public bathrooms. As if I wasn't already freaked out about how dirty they are, now I have to worry about lesbians trying to get a free show, and the potential of there being a tape of me peeing on you tube! Just what I needed.
Jame-o (you tube peeing girl)
We notice that she was not really taping anything with her camera, it was just sitting on the bar. So out of curiosity I decide to lean around the other bar patrons and ask her what she was taping. That was my first mistake. She gives me some story about how she is video taping the band. Yadda yadda her brother plays the guitar, free drinks, you get the gist. She then proceeds to tell me that she would love to interview me about the band for part of her video. I am a little weirded out by this, but don't really think much of it and politely say "eh maybe later". Second mistake.
So time passes, Ginger and our new friends and I go into the back of the bar to play a few rounds of darts. The whiskey is flowing and all is well.
This is where the story gets a little graphic. I headed into the bathroom. Enough said. I was sitting on toilet tinkling and for whatever the reason I looked up, and there was the he-she peeping down on me over the top of the stall! I jumped up doing a two-in-one stand and pull on your pants all at once maneuver, and she says to me "my god you're a tall woman"! The look on my face must have been enough of a statement because she then said "it's OK I liked it". I ran out of the bathroom so fast I didn't even notice if she had the video camera with her.
Needless to say that was possibly the worst ten seconds of my life, and I am now very alert when in public bathrooms. As if I wasn't already freaked out about how dirty they are, now I have to worry about lesbians trying to get a free show, and the potential of there being a tape of me peeing on you tube! Just what I needed.
Jame-o (you tube peeing girl)
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Napoleon
Is it okay to say "see you soon" to someone you have no intentions of ever seeing again? Is it worse to give someone false hope, or to tell the man who just paid for sushi dinner that he doesn't stand a chance? It isn't my fault that he seemed much taller in his pictures.
For his own protection, I'll call him Napoleon...not because he was cocky, arrogant and/or planning on overtaking half of Eastern Europe, but because he was short as hell. I could have rolled up for our date in a wheelchair and potentially could still have been gazing into his eyes. No offense of course to people in wheelchairs, don't go all special olympics justice coalition on me just yet. But this guy was short, and I'm not out there looking to date the NBA but it would be nice if I wasn't walking with a slouch just so Napo' here didn't feel inferior to all 5'4" of me.
To his defense, he was very nice. He also laughed at my jokes and made several meager attempts to throw in a few of his own. Unfortunately when he laughed at my jokes my eyes were barreling right towards the dental accident on his bottom jaw. Those teeth were a mess! The guy also vehementaly hated guys with muscles and told me so at least six times during our meal. He then proceeded to tell me a bathroom joke while I was scarfing down my spicy tuna roll. Ugh. Thanks, bro.
So the awkward walk back to the train station begins, followed by the awkward hug (he quite obviously had planned on leaning in for a smooch) and the boldly stated "see you soon." He has since texted me an estimated fifteen times, three of which were him asking me if I had a good time. Winner.
What have we learned this week? Pictures can be deceiving yes, but so can that little column where you fill in your height. If you are not 6'0" don't say you're 6'0" unless this is an ad for datemeimblindandhavenohands.com.
-Ginger
For his own protection, I'll call him Napoleon...not because he was cocky, arrogant and/or planning on overtaking half of Eastern Europe, but because he was short as hell. I could have rolled up for our date in a wheelchair and potentially could still have been gazing into his eyes. No offense of course to people in wheelchairs, don't go all special olympics justice coalition on me just yet. But this guy was short, and I'm not out there looking to date the NBA but it would be nice if I wasn't walking with a slouch just so Napo' here didn't feel inferior to all 5'4" of me.
To his defense, he was very nice. He also laughed at my jokes and made several meager attempts to throw in a few of his own. Unfortunately when he laughed at my jokes my eyes were barreling right towards the dental accident on his bottom jaw. Those teeth were a mess! The guy also vehementaly hated guys with muscles and told me so at least six times during our meal. He then proceeded to tell me a bathroom joke while I was scarfing down my spicy tuna roll. Ugh. Thanks, bro.
So the awkward walk back to the train station begins, followed by the awkward hug (he quite obviously had planned on leaning in for a smooch) and the boldly stated "see you soon." He has since texted me an estimated fifteen times, three of which were him asking me if I had a good time. Winner.
What have we learned this week? Pictures can be deceiving yes, but so can that little column where you fill in your height. If you are not 6'0" don't say you're 6'0" unless this is an ad for datemeimblindandhavenohands.com.
-Ginger
Monday, May 4, 2009
Thirty Seconds Too Far
Last weekend I was groped by a fat guy in a dance club. Before that, I passed up an airline pilot for a guy who only knows I'm alive once every other month. Neither of them will call. I also stood someone up because I felt like they texted me too many times in a row. His last text read "am i going 2 c u or not?" Pass.
Attention all grown ass men: I am going to let you in on a few secrets here.
1. If you are standing in the middle of a bar sweating so profusely you may as well have just finished a pie eating contest on a tredmill, you are not attractive to women so do not reach out your grimey sausage hands and rub your eau de man all over her silk shirt.
2. Just because we have sex does not mean I'm asking you to go steady, so if a girl is throwing herself at you, play ball. And take your time doing it.
3. If someone doesn't answer a text message that means you probably shouldn't text them twelve more times after that asking why they're not answering their text messages because chances are, u will not c them l8er.
There. That is what I learned last week. Tomorrow I have an actual date. With a man. From the internet. It's byob. You better believe I'll be b-ing my own b.
I could really go for that airline pilot right about now...
-Ginger
Attention all grown ass men: I am going to let you in on a few secrets here.
1. If you are standing in the middle of a bar sweating so profusely you may as well have just finished a pie eating contest on a tredmill, you are not attractive to women so do not reach out your grimey sausage hands and rub your eau de man all over her silk shirt.
2. Just because we have sex does not mean I'm asking you to go steady, so if a girl is throwing herself at you, play ball. And take your time doing it.
3. If someone doesn't answer a text message that means you probably shouldn't text them twelve more times after that asking why they're not answering their text messages because chances are, u will not c them l8er.
There. That is what I learned last week. Tomorrow I have an actual date. With a man. From the internet. It's byob. You better believe I'll be b-ing my own b.
I could really go for that airline pilot right about now...
-Ginger
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Ahem...
Dating in your twenties, and maybe dating in general, is a lot like playing "asshole." You close your eyes and hope for the high cards but inevitably there's going to be a few mixed in there that you just simply don't want. So you play your game as best you know how and try not to end up the asshole. There are always winners and losers, but mostly a whole lot of middle ground.
There are few things more exciting than a really great first kiss. Unless of course you're throwing up on your date in the process. I'm going to safely assume that's not so terrific. You know what else is pretty great? Holding hands. Unless you nab yourself a man with hands so slimed up with sweat you have to check in the mirror to make sure you're not out on a date with Flipper. Oh, and then there's the sex. But it's too early in the game to get into that because let's face it, more times than not, that's where the magic doesn't happen.
My name is Ginger and you're going to get to know me over the next few months unless you get sick of my kvetching before the end of this paragraph in which case, you're really missing out. And the tall blonde, her name is Jame-O. We're named after a cocktail, not a clown, you moron so get that idea out of your head immediatly. We are here to go on dates; to share stories and experiences from the sometimes taboo but ultimately highly uncharted territory that is online dating. All of this of course, will happen in between cocktails. Lots of them.
Raise your hand if you have a profile on Match.com. Do it. The only person who's going to find out is the only person who's known all along because we're all far too ashamed to admit we'd ever try online dating. But think about it! Instead of playing facebook for half my workday I can scan through hundreds of eligible bachelors doing what I do best: judging them. Then we'll meet up in an exquisitely public place where they will buy me drinks and we'll get liquored up and laugh about how "we'd never thought about online dating before but..." While all this is going on, I'll be tossing around the opening sentences for the blog post I'll be up late writing after I kiss (or don't kiss) this sucker goodbye. Welcome to our social experiment. Chow down and drink up, it's going to be a wild ride.
-Ginger
There are few things more exciting than a really great first kiss. Unless of course you're throwing up on your date in the process. I'm going to safely assume that's not so terrific. You know what else is pretty great? Holding hands. Unless you nab yourself a man with hands so slimed up with sweat you have to check in the mirror to make sure you're not out on a date with Flipper. Oh, and then there's the sex. But it's too early in the game to get into that because let's face it, more times than not, that's where the magic doesn't happen.
My name is Ginger and you're going to get to know me over the next few months unless you get sick of my kvetching before the end of this paragraph in which case, you're really missing out. And the tall blonde, her name is Jame-O. We're named after a cocktail, not a clown, you moron so get that idea out of your head immediatly. We are here to go on dates; to share stories and experiences from the sometimes taboo but ultimately highly uncharted territory that is online dating. All of this of course, will happen in between cocktails. Lots of them.
Raise your hand if you have a profile on Match.com. Do it. The only person who's going to find out is the only person who's known all along because we're all far too ashamed to admit we'd ever try online dating. But think about it! Instead of playing facebook for half my workday I can scan through hundreds of eligible bachelors doing what I do best: judging them. Then we'll meet up in an exquisitely public place where they will buy me drinks and we'll get liquored up and laugh about how "we'd never thought about online dating before but..." While all this is going on, I'll be tossing around the opening sentences for the blog post I'll be up late writing after I kiss (or don't kiss) this sucker goodbye. Welcome to our social experiment. Chow down and drink up, it's going to be a wild ride.
-Ginger
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)